I excel at the art of hitting light switches with my nose because my hands are full.

That feeling when your story just completely ran off on you and it’s off the rails now and you’ve got no fucking clue where it’s going but you’ve got heaps of adrenalin rushing through your veins so you’re just going to run after it and follow because what the fuck else are you supposed to do?

A thought: One day people will be making period drama about our time period and totally mess up the costuming and costume buffs will write long bitchy essays on the Internet about how the 50’s dresses are totally wrong for the time period and anyway, the collars are all wrong and they would never use these specific patterns, as if! And other people will respond and there will be a flaming war just because we of the 2010s like our historically inaccurate 50’s dresses.

Dear me,

Please make up my mind. Either be too tired to do anything and go the hell to SLEEP or let me DO stuff.

Sincerely, me

There is nothing quite like dancing in the rain after a long, hot day!

My fosterbrother, all of just-nine-years-old was watching the youth news (newsprogram for kids) earlier and looked back at me with this heartbroken expression. “I HATE it when it’s about refugees. It always makes me so sad… Can I just not watch?”

And all I could think to say was “Me too sweetheart, me too…” while not trying to tear up.

I am
Who I am
Am with you
Am with them
Am now
Was then
Will be
Some day when
I am
Yet you'll see
That I am
A million different kinds of me

There are so many ways I could finish the sentence that starts with 'I am'. So many different labels I could apply to me, different identities. Different places. Different 'masks' if you will. People will sometimes tell you that makes you fake. Honestly though, I think it makes makes you whole.

The word that is the thing that is the word but what is it?

Sometimes, you hear a word. Sometimes you hear a word and you go: Oh... Oh, I like this word. It is a nice word. It is a beautiful word. It has nice sounds and nice syllables and nice meanings and nice people who say it and I think it means nice things and I think... I think... I think that maybe, just maybe, this word might mean me.

And so you google this word and you youtube this word and you celebrate this word and you learn from the artists, the champions, the epitomes of the word what it means to be that word.

And then you pull back. You pull back because you can never be those people, can never be so good, so perfect, so right as these people manage to be. You're probably not. Not good enough. Not pure enough. Not perfect enough.

And so you keep your head down.

You slink away.

Quietly.

Dejectedly.

Like you were never there to begin with.

Like you never heard that word.

That word that you thought... hoped... dreamed... might be you.

And you wonder: If not this, than what am I? What word means me?

And you forget.

You forget that a word is not made by a dictionary. That it's not defined by a youtube vid and not owned by a person. You forget that there's no people out there whose job it is to make up words, but that you make up the words. That you give the meanings and the definitions. That if you use the word, it is yours as much as anyone's. You don't have to be perfect or pure or right. You don't have to fit other's definition or demands to a T.

Because if the word seems to be you?

Then it probably is.

Strawberries and Sex(uality)

"I just don't get it," she tells me. "How can you be attracted to other women? How can you fall in love with one? I just don't see it!" 

"I just don't get it," I tell her. "How can you not be attracted to all genders? How can you not see the beauty of a woman's body, the lure of those curves, their eyes, their minds? How can you not fall in love with those? I just don't see it!" 

A conversation I’ve had a number of times now, with a number of people. The people around me, sweet and open-minded and smart, used to knowing and understanding, accept me for who I am: pansexuality and all. But when they try to understand, to empathise, they just can’t. The same goes for me. I just can’t understand how you do that. How you can not be attracted to someone, simply on account of their gender. It makes no sense to me.

So often, you hear people going on about how ‘everyone is a little bi’, or 'gays can be cured’, or 'bisexuals are just gay people unwilling to admit they’re gay’, or 'asexuals must be really traumatized’, or any other such nonsense. The thing is, I might’ve started understanding that a little bit.

Imagine your favourite food. Now imagine hating it.

Doesn’t really work, does it? Yet somehow, out there, there’s this person who hates your favourite food. Who just can’t imagine that anyone would eat that willingly.

The same goes for sexuality, I think. Only much more strongly. I think sexuality is wired so deeply into the brain that you just can’t imagine anything different. I mean, on an intellectual level I understand and accept that there’s straight people and gay people ace people and lots of other people whose sexuality isn’t the same as mine, but I can’t really feel as they feel. Just as I can’t imagine anyone disliking strawberries. My brother hates strawberries and even though I don’t get it, it doesn’t mean I’ll stuff them down his throat, right?

Happiness is...

Your best friend calling you on the phone because there’s these Doctor Who themed knock-knock jokes and she just had to tell you.

A plea: Tell those that inspire you of the impact they make

Yesterday I went to one of the, if not the most breath taking dance performances I have ever seen. It was called Strong Language and performed by the amazing dancers of the Nederlands Dans Theater (Dutch Dance Theater), one of the most prestigious dance companies in the Netherlands and even the world.

I sat through the whole performance with my mouth open. I had goosebumps. I gasped for breath. I even cried at one point. It was utterly amazing and left me at a loss for words to describe it.

After it ended, my girlfriend and me found ourselves a place at the back of the lobby, away from the masses, to catch our breath and wait for the people to empty out a little before we went to get our coats.

Next to us, there was a table with refreshments where some of the dancers gathered and chatted. I watched them, wanting to thank them for the frankly world-shocking experience they’d granted me, but not daring to approach and not knowing what to say if I would. Thank them? Tell them how good they were? How deep their dancing touched me? They hear these things daily, surely? Just another fan when they’re tired and done with work. I sat and did nothing.

We were about to leave when one of the dancers met my eye and gave me this tiny, cripplingly shy smile. She looked away.

I decided then and there that I really couldn’t leave without thanking her and that, if she’d made eye contact herself, she probably (maybe, hopefully) wouldn’t mind my approaching her.

So I took my girlfriend’s hand and did just that.

The thing is, no matter how at loss for words I was, no matter how much I waved about my hands or stammered and failed to actually get anything out other than “Thank you, thank you so much!” and “It was… It was… Gods, it was…”, she was almost equally overwhelmed with gratitude.

The people who talk to them, she told me, they’re dancers on the same level as them. They’re critics and choreographers who always tell them what is wrong or what could improve. Every compliment is followed by a but. To talk to someone like me, to see how she’d impacted me was a gift to her.

We asked her to tell the others for us and ended up being dragged over to meet them instead because, she felt, they needed to hear it from us. They were as amazed and grateful as she was. Every single one of them. We had to promise to come and see them again, and let them see us again and they were as curious about us as we were about them.

And it makes sense. When we admire people so much, when they make things that are so very beautiful to us, things that we didn’t even know humans were capable of, we forget that they are human. We put them in a class of their own and don’t dare approach them. But when no one approaches them… How are they supposed to know how much of a difference they made?

So this is a plea. A plea for you to swallow your insecurities, your feelings of insignificance and inadequacy and to approach those people who inspire you and tell them. Tell them in whatever way you can and let them see you. Because they’re human like you and the only way they will likely know how special they are to you, is through your eyes.

My dance community (or the facebook portion of it anyhow) is in upheaval. Why?

On festavals there are always a lot of unknown and new dancers and this makes it less easy to find a dance partner with more or less the dance style. Dit year however, it struck out to me how many women (like to) dance with each other while there are still enough men standing on the side of the dance floor. A lot of the time there were 5 or 6 lady couples in my immediate vicinity. They often pick out the best dancers of the lot. They "eat the cheese right off our bread"! (Dutch expression: They take what is rightfully mine) I was often left alone because a women was there right before me. Because they don't wait until they get invited. We're getting a new bunch of competitors. Honestly, I think this is not a good thing. What do you think of that?

This comment was posted by someone and then reposted anonymously in the Dutch balfolk facebook community by someone else. I can tell you: My first reaction was wordless outrage. Thankfully, a lot of amazing people expressed that outrage before I did, so I didn't have to. It did, however, spark a very interesting discussion on gender norms, homophobia, sexism, propriety and more in our community.

My answer to this is a lot less gentle or nuanced than you're probably used to from me and I'll freely admit there was quite a bit of outraged involved when I first read the post. It's quite simple really.

Suck. It. Up.

Nobody is prohibited from dancing with anyone on account of anyone else. If you're a man and you don't want to dance with other men, that is completely up to you. While I will encourage people to dance as both follow and lead, simply because I think it makes them better dancers, I'd never tell them to dance with someone they feel uncomfortable dancing with. We're all there to have fun, right? I don't really understand as such, but hey, each their own. I have very little consideration for people whining about women dancing with other women because 'there are fewer follows left for them' however.

When looking for a dance partner you set a number of limits on who you want to dance with. If your limits are:
- I want to dance in only one role
- I want to dance only with partners of one gender
- I want to dance only with dancers on my level or better

- I want to dance only with people I already know
That's up to you. They are are your choice. Good for you for knowing what you want and no one should ever tell you otherwise. Everyone has their own limits and there is nothing wrong with that.

BUT

But setting your limits means you are limiting your pool of potential dance partners. In this case, limiting it by a LOT. And it definitely does not obligate those few people left in your pool of potential partners to dance with you.

By setting fewer limits on the partners you're willing to dance with you get more potential dance-partners and thus have a smaller chance of getting left on the sidelines. By dropping any one of those limits, you will pretty much double your pool of potential partners.

And hey, sometimes I have days when I'm tired or feeling particularly introverted or just really not like leading or not like following. Those are days I will have my own limits. Those are also days I end up standing on the side more often than not. Other days, I have no such limits and can find a partner for every single dance (mostly on account of asking several people for the same dance, and asking beginning dancers of any gender and being willing to accommodate their preference for leading or following). It often turns out awesome, BUT it takes more energy and means that some dances are really, really crappy.

Those are my choices every time I enter the dance floor. I don't have to answer for them to anyone, and no one has to answer for theirs to me.

Mijn antwoord hierop is een hoop minder vriendelijk of genuanceerd dan je waarschijnlijk van mij zou verwachten. Het is echt heel simpel. 

My answer to this is a lot less gentle or nuanced than you're probably used to from me and I'll freely admit there was quite a bit of outraged involved when I first read the post. It's quite simple really.

Suck. It. Up.

Nobody is prohibited from dancing with anyone on account of anyone else. If you're a man and you don't want to dance with other men, that is completely up to you. While I will encourage people to dance as both follow and lead, simply because I think it makes them better dancers, I'd never tell them to dance with someone they feel uncomfortable dancing with. We're all there to have fun, right? I don't really understand as such, but hey, each their own. I have very little consideration for people whining about women dancing with other women because 'there are fewer follows left for them' however.

When looking for a dance partner you set a number of limits on who you want to dance with. If your limits are:
- I want to dance in only one role
- I want to dance only with partners of one gender
- I want to dance only with dancers on my level or better

- I want to dance only with people I already know
That's up to you. They are are your choice. Good for you for knowing what you want and no one should ever tell you otherwise. Everyone has their own limits and there is nothing wrong with that.

BUT

But setting your limits means you are limiting your pool of potential dance partners. In this case, limiting it by a LOT. And it definitely does not obligate those few people left in your pool of potential partners to dance with you.

By setting fewer limits on the partners you're willing to dance with you get more potential dance-partners and thus have a smaller chance of getting left on the sidelines. By dropping any one of those limits, you will pretty much double your pool of potential partners.

And hey, sometimes I have days when I'm tired or feeling particularly introverted or just really not like leading or not like following. Those are days I will have my own limits. Those are also days I end up standing on the side more often than not. Other days, I have no such limits and can find a partner for every single dance (mostly on account of asking several people for the same dance, and asking beginning dancers of any gender and being willing to accommodate their preference for leading or following). It often turns out awesome, BUT it takes more energy and means that some dances are really, really crappy.

Those are my choices every time I enter the dance floor. I don't have to answer for them to anyone, and no one has to answer for theirs to me.

I had plans today. I was going to go out today. I would get stuff done today. But let's face it, the rain hasn't stopped and doesn't look like it will any time soon, my kettle makes for a never ending supply of tea and I've got this really interesting book on introversion to read. I'm not going anywhere.