The next thing to learn

If I had my wish, I'd spend my lifetime learning. Nothing but that. Just learning, learning, and learning some more, like those Renaissance men of old: Learn a bit of psychology, a bit of mathematics, physics, sociology, biology, history, cultural geography, but also sewing, crafting, dancing, folklore... Anything. Hell, I'd go to France for a year and just learn the French language. Then Norway and then... Who knows where? It sounds like an amazing life to me: Nothing to worry about. Just learning whatever I can about whatever I want.

I had that, for five beautiful years I had that and I loved it. Dear gods how I loved it. Now it's done though. I'm an adult with a job and a rent and expectations and responsibilities and some days? Some days they press so hard, they weigh so heavy that it feels like they're crushing even that which might just be the essence of all things me: That endless, boundless curiosity. Some days I feel so tired of being someone rather than becoming someone (one day, in a distant future that I don't have to care about yet because I'm only learning to become someone) that I want to do nothing but to make it all go away. Become a hermit and live without anyone.

Because I'm smart and I'm talented and because I love to learn, I learn whatever I set my mind to. And that means people expect me to do something with that. To go places. It means I expect it from myself. While all I really want to do is sit in a little room somewhere and learn even more about the evolution of whales and particle physics and how to crochet an elephant and order four croissants and a bread in French and finally, definitely, completely understand why the bloody sky is blue and a table is called a table and not a chair or a chlskebub.

And then I sit back and really look and see that I am learning. Because there is something new for me to learn wherever I look and whatever I do. And that's what keeps me going. Not my wanting to be someone. Not other people expecting me to be someone. But the promise of one more thing to learn just around the corner. One new person to meet and to learn about and to learn from and who might, just might challenge my thoughts and notions and learn me something about me. That's what true learning is.