Friendzoning might be about what you do with friends... And what you don't.

A while ago I was hanging out with a dear friend of mine. A dear male friend of mine. We were having an intimate, intense conversation about emotions. At some point he told me he was so glad we could be just friends and have a conversation like this.

So we got to talking about that, and he told me how, as a Man, you are supposed to have two sorts of friends: Friends you go out with, who slap each other on the back and brag about stuff and make dirty jokes, and friends who go out fishing and sit together. Silently.

According to media, and pretty much everyone around you, these are your only options. There are two people you are allowed to talk emotions with: Your mom and your girlfriend. (Imagine your girlfriend being the first person you actually Talk to since your mom! That must suck.)

Contrast that to girls: Girls are encouraged to have deep, intimate discussions about emotions. They get together and talk about their feelings, their dreams, their problems. They have Best Friends whom they tell everything.

This got me thinking: Remember this narrative? Girl meets guy. Girl and guy make friends, are supportive, have conversations about feelings and stuff. Guy makes a pass on girl. Girl turns him down. Guy gets very insulted when girl is not interested in fucking.

Pretty typical, right? Those Nice Guy Asshole Dudebros, only in it for the sex, right?

But look here. In the girl’s mind, she’s making a friend. She does what she’s been taught from a very young age: She gets to know the person she wants to make friends with, she supports them, starts grooming emotional intimacy. This is how you do that. Only difference to her is that it’s a guy, but that shouldn’t matter right?

From the guy’s perspective, something very different is going on. In his world, you have emotional intimacy with your mom or your romantic/sexual partner. The girl is not his mom, thus she must want to be his romantic/sexual partner. From his perspective, she is pretty much offering herself up on a plate.

Then she turns him down. Friendzoned again! The horror! Leading him on again! How dare she! That bitch!

For the record, I am NOT saying the whole friendzone narrative is in any way healthy or acceptable or normal. I am definitely not making excuses for guys doing horrible things to a girl who turned them down. Those things are not right.

What I am saying is that if we want boys to grow up to be emotionally mature beings who talk about their feelings and have a healthy support network and not hurt girls, we need to change another narrative: The one that says Real Men don’t talk about their feelings.

tl;dr: When guys are taught that you can only talk about feelings to your mom or the person you’re having sex with, of course they are going to think emotional intimacy = wants to have sex. If we want to change the friendzone narrative, we need to change the Real Men Don’t Talk About Feelings narrative.

Lament of a demi-romantic

• I only ever fall in love with my best friends, but they think our friendship is too important to risk.
• Interesting, smart, fun people turn into over-dependent, clingy, whiny, insecure octopussen when they get a crush. I call it the octopus stage. Other people apparently call it normal dating.
• We’ve seen each other literally 3 times and you think you’re more important than my friends and family whom I’ve known and loved for years? Really?
• And you think seeing me is more important than seeing your family and friends? WUT?
• Well I kind of like the idea of a relationship, but starting one is just so much effort… Urgh. Nevermind.
• Until, of course, you do fall in love and want nothing but.
• Your partner saying ‘I love you’ for the first time long before you can honestly say it back.
• Causing your partner ALL THE INSECURITY.
• Wondering if you have some unsolved unknown trauma meaning you can never fall in love and have a normal relationship and will be alone for ever and ever.
• Sex ≠ Love and Love ≠ Sex, thank you very much.
• Repeat after me: SEX ≠ LOVE and LOVE ≠ SEX
• OMG DON’T TEXT ME 5 TIMES A DAY FUCK OFF STAY AWAY WTF
• HOW CAN YOU BE IN LOVE WITH ME, YOU’VE ONLY TALKED TO ME A COUPLE OF TIMES, I HAVEN’T TOLD YOU ANYTHING ABOUT ME YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW ME!!! *so confused*
• HOLY FUCK WTF IS GOING ON YOU’RE CHOKING ME I NEED SOME SPACE PLEASE GIVE ME MORE SPACE I KNOW THAT HURTS YOU BUT I NEED TO GET AWAY NOW OMG RUN! RUN!!!!

That feeling when you get new jeans and you want to stand in front of its designers and go:

“You! Yes you! Look at these! See them? You know what they are? Curves! They’re curves that would keep these bloody jeans from falling right off my ass if you’d actually designed them to have waist! You know, like most women do?

They were horribly expensive but I’m now making pornographic noises at the first stawberries I’ve eaten this year.

Why ending discrimination is not enough

Say two people are playing monopoly. Person A and B, let's call them Al and Ben for now, are all set to play. Something isn't right though.

Al has gotten 1500 for starting money like you're supposed to, but Ben only has 200. It doesn't end there. In this version of monopoly, Al gets 200 whenever he passes go. Ben gets 50. Ben is also 6 times as likely to be sent to jail and pays twice as much for any property he might want.

Now take a moment to think what that might mean: Al travels over the board, buys properties like he's supposed to and sees money coming in. He's a good guy really, and so he doesn't even cheat. Things are going well for Al.

Ben's is a different story entirely. He buys his first property, same as Al, but where Al goes on to buy the next property he lands on, Ben finds he doesn't have enough money to buy. Not only that, but he ends op on Al's properties more than once, which means paying up. While Al goes around the board, Ben ends up in prison.

"Tough luck, man!" says Al, and keeps playing. 

After about half an hour, Ben is barely keeping away from bankruptcy, while Al is doing great. He doesn't want to brag, but he silently congratulates himself on his keen business sense.

"Okay, I'm done!" says Ben, exasperated. "This isn't fair! All the rules are stacked in your favour!"

Now Al isn't a bad guy, and he's doing pretty well anyway. After Ben lays it out for him, he agrees it probably isn't fair. "Alright, we'll even it out," he says. "From now on, you'll play by the same rules as me! Come on, let's keep playing!"

From that moment on, Ben also gets 200 passing go, and he pays the same for any properties as Al does. He doesn't go to prison that often anymore, either. 

And yet he keeps losing. Al has most of the properties. He has way more money than Ben does. Even though they now play by exactly by the same rules, Ben still can't keep up.

Obviously, when Al eventually wins the game, Ben complains that it's massively unfair. Al gets annoyed. He's not a bad guy after all. He played by the rules. He worked hard and earned everything he got. When the unfair rules were pointed out to him, he even changed them! He won fair and square! Annoyed, Al decides Ben must be a sour loser. He moves on.

Al's annoyance isn't all that weird. He did try very hard, and he did play by the rules. Saying he only won because the rules were stacked in his favour sounds awfully much like saying Al is a chearter and an asshole, when he's really not. He's just a bit short sighed when it comes to other people. That's no crime!

In the meanwhile, Ben can plainly see how things would've gone differently if he'd been playing by the same rules from the start. He's not saying he would've won, but at least he would've had a chance! And that arrogant bastard Al dares to act like he earned the victory...

An obvious solution would have been to start over. Give Al and Ben both a fair chance. But that would mean Al having to give up all of his property. Property he's worked hard for. From Al's perspective, that doesn't seem fair either!

The other solution? The other solution is to give Ben money and property until he owns exactly the same amount as Al does. But that property has to come form somewhere. Al already owns most of it and there's only so much money in the bank. Obviously, Al isn't too keen on that, either! Besides, that would be like giving Ben free stuff while Al gets nothing. Fair? Al thinks not.

For the most part, it's the Als of this world who are in power: They're the CEOs of big companies, rulers of countries and even if they're not, they know the people that are. To them, it feels absolutely fair that they have the position they do. Even if their parents have given them a head start, they clearly see the work they've put in to become what they are now. What's more, they don't just want to give up what they already have.

And that's where the problem is: Even if we eliminate discrimination entirely, all play by exactly the same rules (which we haven't, by the way) that doesn't mean we're done. We need to find a way, all together, to give everyone an equal chance at succes.

This morning I came to work and had no new email.

I spend half an hour trying to figure out what was wrong with the email server.

I am currently wearing leggings, my amazing comfy oversized sweater and the pink pettycoat I just got at a clothing exchange party. 

I totally feel like the most comfy badass fairy princess.